Why Couples Fight About “Small Things”
What’s Really Happening Underneath
Most couples are surprised when they realise that their biggest conflicts often begin with something seemingly minor: the dishes, the schedule, the text message that wasn’t quite returned the way they hoped. But these “small things” are rarely the true issue. Beneath most recurring arguments sits something deeper, an unmet need, a longing for reassurance, or a fear of disconnection. When these emotional undercurrents go unnamed, the conversation shifts from clarity to tension, and the smallest spark can ignite a larger cycle.
Gottman’s research shows that couples fight not because of the topic, but because of how the conversation makes them feel. What looks like criticism may actually be a longing to feel prioritised. What looks like defensiveness might be a fear of failure or shame. What looks like withdrawal is often overwhelm, not disinterest. When the nervous system senses threat, even emotional threat, we shift into protective patterns: pursue, withdraw, shut down, or escalate. These patterns are not personal flaws; they are relational survival strategies that were learned long before the relationship began.
Five signs the conflict isn’t really about the topic:
You’re having the same argument in different forms.
The emotional reaction feels bigger than the situation.
You argue about logistics but feel hurt, unseen, or alone.
One partner pursues while the other withdraws.
Repair feels difficult because the deeper need hasn’t been named.
Beneath every conflict is a longing, to feel heard, to feel valued, to feel safe, to feel considered. When couples learn to slow the moment down and ask, “What’s happening underneath this?” the conversation shifts from blame to understanding. This is where meaningful repair becomes possible. Instead of focusing on the content of the argument, partners begin tuning into the emotional signals: “Do you need reassurance?” “Are you feeling overwhelmed?” “Did something I said touch an old wound?” These questions open the door to connection rather than defensiveness.
“Every argument has two layers: the issue, and the meaning beneath it. Couples heal when they learn to hear the meaning.” — Sue Johnson
Conflict is not a sign of a broken relationship; it’s an invitation to understand each other more deeply. When couples can recognise the emotional patterns beneath their disagreements, repair becomes easier, tenderness grows, and the “small things” no longer feel so charged. The goal is not to eliminate conflict, but to navigate it with curiosity, compassion, and a shared commitment to understanding what’s really happening beneath the surface.