The Four Horsemen of conflict
Patterns That Undermine Connection
Conflict is a normal and inevitable part of every relationship. What matters isn’t whether we argue, but how we repair, reconnect, and communicate during difficult moments. The Gottman Method identifies four communication patterns that can quietly erode trust and closeness if they become habitual. These patterns are called the Four Horsemen. They’re not about blame, they’re about awareness. Once we can see them, we can shift them.
1) Criticism
Criticism targets the person rather than the behaviour.
It often sounds like:
“You never…”
“You always…”
“What’s wrong with you?”
It leaves the other person feeling attacked rather than understood.
The antidote:
A gentle start-up — speaking from emotion and expressing a clear, specific need.
“I feel overwhelmed when the house is chaotic. Could we find a system together?”
2) Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a natural response to feeling criticised, but it blocks connection. It might look like:
making excuses
counterattacking
shifting blame
Even if we feel misunderstood, defensiveness stops repair before it begins.
The antidote:
Taking responsibility for even a small part.
“You’re right — I didn’t communicate that clearly. Can we reset and try again?”
Responsibility builds safety. Safety builds connection.
““It’s not the appearance of the Four Horsemen that predicts the end of a relationship — it’s the failure of repair.”
— Dr. John Gottman
3. Contempt
Contempt is the most corrosive of the four.
It sounds like superiority, sarcasm, mockery, or eye-rolling.
It’s often rooted in long-held resentment or unmet needs.
The antidote:
Building a culture of appreciation, noticing what your partner does well, expressing gratitude, and staying connected to each other’s strengths.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling happens when one partner shuts down emotionally or physically in conflict. This isn’t intentional cruelty — it’s often a sign of overwhelm or nervous system shutdown.
The antidote:
Self-soothing and pausing.
Sometimes you need 20 minutes to regulate before returning to the conversation with presence rather than protection.
A Compassionate Lens
Most couples don’t use the Horsemen because they don’t care, they use them because they’re overwhelmed, scared, triggered, or trying to protect themselves.
When we understand the patterns, we create space for something different:
slower conversations, more gentleness, clearer needs, and a deeper sense of partnership.